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They don’t get to tell you what love looks like. They don’t determine what “being family” means. They don’t get to write the definition of friendship. They can’t tell you what a good life is supposed to look like. Not doing, feeling, or experiencing the things the way they want you to does not make you unkind or faulty. You are the architect of your own life, which means the blueprint is up to you.

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The next time you start to become upset with someone, ask yourself if you’re expecting them to share your exact perspective, personality, and priorities.

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Every time you say yes to that thing you don’t want to do in order to please someone else, is a step closer to getting to the end of your life and realizing you never truly lived the life you were meant for.

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You do not owe anyone an explanation. Explanation invites rebuttal and your life is not up for debate.

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Dear Introvert. I don’t know if you need to hear it, but you are not broken for being the way you are. You have been called quiet. Shy. Urged to “come out of your shell,” raise your hand, be more social, go more places, do more things. To speak up, connect, to participate. As though the only way to participate in being a human is out loud, face-to-face. As though if you just changed this tiny little thing of your entire personality, then you’d really thrive. This is wrong. You do not need to become louder or more sociable or to meet other people where they are in order to be whole or worthy. To live a fulfilling life. You are not less because you’re quiet. You’re not faulty because you like being alone. You are not flawed because you’d rather dream in the dark than dance in the light. You do not need fixing. You are not broken.

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Read this when you’re feeling trapped in a life you’re supposed to love

Maybe your life looks good on paper. Maybe you packed the lunches, answered the emails, remembered the birthdays, paid the bills, kept the appointments, showed up to the dinners, folded the laundry, went on the vacations, and generally just built a really wonderful life. But maybe in the midst of all that, there's an ever-present tightness in your chest, like you can't quite get enough air. That feeling doesn’t always mean your life isn't incredible, sometimes it just means that it doesn't fit. Either because you've outgrown it, or it was never really meant for you. It's been ingrained in us that a fulfilled life comes from achieving our goals, reaching the classic milestones, showing up in our relationships in the "right way," and from chronic self-improvement. But a full life, the kind that that gives truly happy people that certain glow comes from living a life of alignment. It's from doing the hard work of learning who you are when nobody's looking, and of building the life you want, even it looks completely unlike the blueprint you were given. Living in alignment might mean disappointing people. Changing your mind. Wanting something quieter. Wanting something stranger. Wanting something that makes very little sense to anyone else. It’s time to stop limping around in the beautiful shoe that everyone else admires, and let yourself run barefoot toward the life that's yours.

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Romanticize the ordinary. Stop waiting for life to become impressive before you decide it's worth noticing. Delight in the butter melting into your toast. The steam on the bathroom mirror. The smell of basil in the grocery store. Acknowledge the satisfaction of a freshly folded pile of laundry. Put on music while you wash the dishes. Take the longer walk home because the trees are doing their beautiful and dramatic transformation once again. Notice when your tea becomes the perfect temperature for sipping. Look up at the moon, and not just when it's full or an eclipse. Let ordinary life be enough. Only then will you understand you were never waiting for a better life. You were learning how to pay attention.

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Let life turn you wild. Don’t neuter the lessons, the annoyances, or the tragedies. Let them change you. Let them loosen your grip on being agreeable, impressive, or easy to explain. Go through what you go through and let it make you free. Let it make you brave enough to be weird. Come out the other side strange, awake, and a little savage. Let life make you brave enough to be feral. Only then will you understand you were never meant to be tamed in the first place.

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Ways to instantly improve your life that cost absolutely nothing

Be less available. Learn how to say, “I don’t have an opinion on that.” Replace your Netflix subscription with a free library card. Listen more than you speak. Create more than you consume. Handwrite thank you notes, even if it's on scrap paper. Put your phone down when you're with friends and family. Read at least as much history as you do news content. Do things that matter slowly. Buy less stuff. Have a favorite philosopher. “I’m actually choosing to not get upset about that.”

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Things I need to hear and maybe you do too

Let yourself be that little weirdo you were at as a kid. Stop saying yes to shit you don't want to do. Learn that not every piece of breaking news has to concern you. Let people not like you. Order the same thing every time and let them call you boring. Resist clicking on the ad. Buy a cheap notebook and fill it with lists of things you like. Stay in every night without apology. Delete the app, you know the one. Get some distance from the person, you know that one too. Read something BookTok's never heard of. Walk away from gossip. Leave the text unanswered. Stop worrying about being trendy. Yearning to be thinner is making you boring. Protect your mornings. Protect your attention. Protect your weird.

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Some reminders

You don’t need a dramatic reason to change your mind. Pettiness is often rebranded as constructive criticism by the person delivering it. The right choice can still make you sad. Peace is a perfectly valid ambition. Small, consistent effort is wildly underrated. Sometimes raising your standards means letting something go. You can be kind and still be unavailable. Treat negative emotions like fleeting strangers, not constant companions. Let the lesson be useful, then let it leave.

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Let people change. Let yourself change. You are not the same person you were ten years ago. Or five years ago. A year ago. We don’t ask a ten year old to want the same things they did when they were five, or a teenager to enjoy the same things as a sixth grader. And yet when an adult dares to step out of the role they’ve been playing for years, we often tighten our grip. At worst, we accuse them of being selfish, at best we condescend that they’re “going through something.” Good. Let’s embrace going through something; let’s encourage it. There is nothing wrong with you because the things you loved five years ago no longer excite you, or because the life you thought you wanted, even the life you’ve been living, no longer fits. Change is not a detour from your core character, but a step into the person you’re meant to be.

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Attention is expensive. This is the thing to remember when someone is rude, mean, dramatic, or operating with the emotional range of a damp napkin. You can pay them for their bad behavior with your attention, or save up for something more worthwhile. Attention is expensive. This is the thing to remember as the news cycle changes every four seconds, as that one celebrity says something deranged, as strangers online audition for your outrage, as your inbox fills with other people's silly little "emergencies." Give them a moment, if you must. Do not give them the whole afternoon. They do not get to irritate you once in real life and forty-seven more times in your head. That is terrible math. At some point, peace becomes a budgeting issue. Stop spending your focus on people and issues who already cost too much. The wealthiest people are the ones who refuse to go broke over someone else’s nonsense.

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You do not owe anyone your time. Your peace. Your presence. Their “I want” does not need to translate to your “I must.” You can be grateful for the role someone’s played in your past without living your future in their debt. You can appreciate all someone’s done for you, and not live your life on their terms. Consideration does not require constant availability. Kindness does not require compliance. Real love need never be repaid, and true caring should never involve keeping score.

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On Being a Writer

Let us challenge the assumption that calling oneself a writer requires certain credentials, or a certain type of output (books, blogs, essay, poems). That you need a polished and formal answer to “what do you write?” and bonus points if you can slip the word published into the conversation. That idea is wrong. Being a writer simply means you create something with words, and you take care with them. A list of your favorite songs is writing. A long email to your aunt, or better yet, an actual letter, is writing. A list of the things you love about August is writing. A collection of words you find beautiful is writing. The written word is a form of language, a way of communicating, but never forget that it can also be art. So go ahead. Pick a signature font. Practice your handwriting. Write your favorite quote on a cocktail napkin with your favorite pen. Create a simple website that’s nothing more than a collection of thoughts, fragments, or the things you love. Keep a notebook filled with half-sentences and favorite phrases. Notice the shape of the letters, the way you choose negative space, or don’t. Note the small choices that make it yours both in word choice and style. Share your words. Create your words. Savor your words. Write.

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not every

Not every tradition is yours to inherit. Not every relationship is meant to last. Not every trend is for you. Not every invitation deserves a yes. Not every opinion requires a response. Not every opportunity aligns with your direction. Not every silence needs filling. Not every blood connection creates a bond. Not every moment needs documenting.  Not every story needs your participation. Not every interaction is meant to vibe. Not every connection deepens with time. Not every path leads somewhere meaningful. Not every idea needs to become a plan. Not every apology restores what was lost. Not every memory deserves revisiting. Not every question needs an answer. Not every chapter deserves a sequel. Not every habit has to stick. Not every part of your past belongs in your future. Not everything is for you. And you are not for everyone.

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Read this if you feel behind in life

If you feel behind in life, it's likely less an issue of where you are, and rather a problem with how you're measuring it. Most of us want a life that's a little bit impressive, or at the very least, makes it easy to answer "so what's new with you?" We instinctively look for progress that’s easy to describe. the stuff that’s easy to brag about. The problem is, most progress in a human's life is either deeply unphotogenic or nearly invisible. When we’re asked what we’re up to, few of us think to say, “Well, I’ve been more patient with [aggravating person].” But that’s exactly where the growth happens and change begins. Progress often looks like a series of Tuesdays repeated in monotonous loops until one day you realize you handled that Tuesday differently. You made a better choice, even if it was just putting the phone down and picking up a book. You put yourself out there. You let something go instead of venting about it for the twelfth time. You let the small thing stay small. You stretched instead of snacked. You actually made time for that hobby or side hustle. The reason you feel behind is because you’ve fixed your gaze on the potential upgrade instead of counting the visible evidence already sitting in those small, unsexy daily choices. If you feel stuck, quit glancing in the rear-view mirror or trying to see beyond the next bend in the road. The life you’re looking for begins in this moment, right now. Make it count.

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Learn how to stay quiet. Realize that you don't have to explain your every thought and move. You don't have to make sure they know you're right. Skip the tedious rehashes of what happened and why. Stop trying to make everyone understands where you’re coming from. Let people have their version of events, and let your own take on the situation remain a mystery. Keep your two cents in your pocket.

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Self-respect is making the time to ask yourself if you’re living the life you want, or the life you’ve been conditioned to believe you should want. If the life you’ve been living is the one you’re destined for, or the one you’ve been trained for. It’s being brave enough to say, “More of that, less of this,” even when it ruffles feathers, even if it's not what they want. Respect yourself enough to make space for the raw, unfiltered part of you that knows exactly what you want, but have been too scared to reach for.

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When you're feeling unhappy or unsatisfied with your life, take stock of where you're clinging. Clinging to the way things used to be. Clinging to the way you want things to be. Clinging to past grudges, past hurts, past regrets, even past traditions, however lovely. Clinging to future dreams. Clinging to your ideal of family dynamics, to your vision of the perfect job, or that perfect holiday. Relief begins with release. Of easing your grip on expectations. Life is trying to hand you happiness, but it can't because your hands are full.